First of all I have to be honest and up-front. I have outgrown my Big Girl Panties. No, no, no. I have not suddenly wizened-up and turned into a mature, self-reliant, sensible, mature woman overnight. Far from it. But I have managed to put on a few pounds over the past couple of weeks. Ugh. All those buttery, fried, sugary calories have gotten to me. All those days bundled up in fleece (with elasticized waists) with nothing to do but seek shelter from the storms and read and eat. And read and eat and eat and eat some more! And since my fleece pants and yoga pants are all elasticized they expanded with my growing waistband! And now my Big Girl Panties are tight. And uncomfortable. So this now gives me carte blanche in the whining department! I can't put my Big Girl Panties on goddammit... they don't fit!!

So here's my vacation recap as told to you by me not wearing my Big Girl Panties!

The drive up the coast was lovely and we had no traffic to speak of. I broke the sound barrier and wasted insane amounts of gas and depleted another layer in our Ozone layer. But Granny Behind the Wheel I am not. My speeding ticket (had I been clocked) would have been ridiculous. But I was on a mission. To get to Maine. (Last night I was on a mission... to get back home!) I had a Dumb Dude in a 1990 VW Jetta (might possibly have been mine!) with an engine louder than the Concorde's try to race me. The bottom of his car practically scraping along the highway. Loser. Get over yourself. Then I got cut off by some Biatch in a Navigator. From New York, go figure. I used half a container of wiper fluid. SUVs are not ergonomically designed. Lots of bugs get killed along the way. Lots. It was kind of gross, actually. The highlight of my trip was when I was in the EZ Pass Lane and in the lane to my left was a black Land Cruiser with 4 college co-eds. 4 really cute college co-eds, hanging out their windows, shouting sweet nothings at me. They were hot! I couldn't help but smile. I had three kids in the back. So very Mrs. Robinson! I passed through the toll and blew them a kiss and a wave as I sped away. No, not really! Sounded good though!

Got to Maine in record time. Picked up the keys and went to the condo. We've been going to the same condo a few years now, but this was a different unit. I was not wearing my Big Girl Panties that day, although they did fit, and well. And this place was filthy. Gross. Nasty. I wasn't talking a little sand on the floor, because after all at the beach you expect a little sand... I mean Sand Happens... (hee-hee that's cute!) but this was not just sand. This was dirt. And crumbs. Dust and dirt. This was gross. I wanted to cry. I spent two days scouring my own home so that when I came home I would come home to a nice, neat and clean house. And now I had to clean what was to be my vacation home for the next two weeks?

What was the alternative?

So we did.

We cleaned counters, the fridge, tables, floors, the front of the dishwasher, the sink... you name it, we cleaned it. The inside of the fridge was gross. The inside of the freezer was gross. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. I took all the comforters off the beds and washed them in the washing machine. I emptied all the dishes from the cabinets and put them in the dishwasher. I was miffed at how people could live like this. In the end it was all done and the condo sparkled. But I still felt dirty. And felt dirty for the remainder of the trip.

I went to the grocery store that night and got everything we needed for the week.

I ate well that first week. Yogurts, salads, raw veggies and lots of fruit. Daddy went back home on Sunday and it was just the kids and me. Then Daddy came back and the bad weather came as well. Bathing suits and cute cover ups were put aside for cool weather clothing. We kept as busy as we could. And we ate a lot... lobster dripping in butter... fried shrimp, clams and other goodies... fabulous ice cream, Whoopie Pies... a few Stella Artois... Bud Lights with Lime...Not to mention all the cookies, chips and sandwiches that were consumed when we were at the beach, bundled up in the brisk temperatures... You get the idea!

I brought my scale. I brought my scale on vacation! What kind of loser does that???? I brought the scale so that I could monitor my eating. I monitored it all right... Monitored it as it climbed up and up and up and a-way!!! Dammit!

And I am pretty sure that the crappy little dryer at the condo didn't shrink my Big Girl Panties.

And they are not so comfortable right now. And I can't go on South Beach right now. We're off to Newport for a couple of days and I am not going to (don't want to!) do a great big grocery shopping at the moment. Daddy won't eat most of the stuff and I don't want it sitting and going to waste. And I'm lazy. I don't feel like dragging all the kids out. So we will eat what we have in the house. While it seems we have nothing I could probably feed us all for a few days without setting foot in a store. Except for milk which I need for my morning cappuccino.

I have no lettuce, apples, or other good Diet Food. So I had oatmeal for breakfast, which is healthy. But not the way I cooked it today. And I meant to take a bite but I ended up eating a whole damned bowlful... I made it with apple slices sauteed in brown sugar and cinnamon and butter and then I tossed all the cooked oatmeal (never instant) into my fried apple deliciousness... Damn. And I had an oatmeal trail mix bar for lunch. Right out of the freezer. Damn. And I made the kids some pudding today for their afternoon snack. And I had a cup of that too. Damn. And dinner was pasta with sun dried tomatoes, minced black and green olives, grilled chicken, sauteed sausage, artichokes and onions with grated Parmesan cheese... Damn. Damn. Double. Tripple Damn. I fear my Big Girl Panties may never fit well again!

And since my Big Girl Panties are not on (and won't be for the foreseeable future at this rate) I need to tell you that I came home to a full dishwasher that needed to be emptied, a sink full of dishes (at least they were rinsed) ... did I say that I had the house spotless before I left so that I could come home to a clean house? Sheesh...

Ok, enough whining for me. Going off now to see what's in the freezer. I need something sweet to eat...