Good Lord... Don't try on skinny jeans
when you are all bloated. In fact, stay away from shopping altogether when you are all bloated! How could I be so stupid and inflict such pain on myself!
I was in the Gap the other day doing a lot of damage. But I had this great 30% off your entire purchase coupon. So in essence I was saving a lot. A LOT. Over $200 worth! Adds up quickly when you need to shop for 3 kids! The kids need stuff for next week. And the stuff in there is adorable! Really adorable. (So adorable that I had to go back again today!) So while I was paying for my Mount Everest pile of clothes I noticed that the sales person was wearing a really cute blouse. Really cute. Like JCrew cute. I commented on it and told her how much I liked it. She told me she got it at Old Navy. Old Navy?! And, she told me, my Big Coupon, was also effective over there. Wowsa! I hit the jackpot! I thanked my salesperson for my purchase and the great blouse tip!
I marched on into ON and immediately spotted the shirt. I grabbed it off the shelf. So cute! I thought to myself. I found some light summery skirts that would be perfect for Disney. Then I went downstairs and found more stuff for the kids. More madras. More pretty little sundresses for Rebecca. On my way back up I picked up a couple of Tshirts for myself.
I paid for my purchases and put them in the closet. This morning I tried everything on. OMG it was dreadful. The lot of it. The Tshirts (perhaps I am no longer a small?!) made my bazoombas stick out all the way to Idaho and cut my upper arm off in such a weird manner that my limbs looked like tree trunks... soft tree trunks! Ugh... The skirts were Okay... just Okay... the beautiful floral JCrew-like shirt was hideous. HID. EE. Ous. Ugh. What looked like JCrew on her looked like Wal*Mart sale rack on me. And pockets on boobs don't work. At all. And the shoulders looked like a throwback to the 80s with room for some serious shoulder pads. How could something look so gorgeous on one person and so God-forsaken hideous on someone else?
Back at Old Navy I made my returns and picked up some cute white slip on tennies for the boys. Plain white but for one thin green stripe on the bottom, side. Nice and classic looking. Priced perfectly!
Next door at the Gap I returned a drop-waisted black skirt I had been eyeing for over a month. made my hips stick out to Texas. No, let me rephrase that, made my hips look larger than Texas. I should have kept that shirt to wear with shoulder pads after all. And I returned my Long and Lean jeans. I am pretty sure that someone was playing a prank on me. I am still waiting for Howie Mandell to jump out of my closet to tell me that he did it. He must have sewed the Long and Lean jean tag in a pair of Short and Squat. OMG I looked like a squash. Not a zucchini. Not a summer squash. Something rounder. Butternut? Pumkin? Which brings me to the fact that I had no right to be trying on jeans on a day like today in the first place.
And who the hell sizes these things? I tried on about 10 pairs of jeans in the store. No two were the same. Some 6s were so huge I could walk right out of them. Others I could not pull over my derriere. Not even a little. And then there was a perfect pair of jeans. They fit. They looked good. They made me look good. My hips were not as large as Texas. My derriere did not look as though it belonged in another zip code. It looked cute! I'll take em! And as I got the jeans off I happened to see the size. They were a size 4. I have locked all my closets. In case Howie Mandell is hiding in one. In case he has the size 6 tag in his hand. I'll never have to know.
But really. Don't you ever do something so stupid as go jean shopping when you are bloated!
I was in the Gap the other day doing a lot of damage. But I had this great 30% off your entire purchase coupon. So in essence I was saving a lot. A LOT. Over $200 worth! Adds up quickly when you need to shop for 3 kids! The kids need stuff for next week. And the stuff in there is adorable! Really adorable. (So adorable that I had to go back again today!) So while I was paying for my Mount Everest pile of clothes I noticed that the sales person was wearing a really cute blouse. Really cute. Like JCrew cute. I commented on it and told her how much I liked it. She told me she got it at Old Navy. Old Navy?! And, she told me, my Big Coupon, was also effective over there. Wowsa! I hit the jackpot! I thanked my salesperson for my purchase and the great blouse tip!
I marched on into ON and immediately spotted the shirt. I grabbed it off the shelf. So cute! I thought to myself. I found some light summery skirts that would be perfect for Disney. Then I went downstairs and found more stuff for the kids. More madras. More pretty little sundresses for Rebecca. On my way back up I picked up a couple of Tshirts for myself.
I paid for my purchases and put them in the closet. This morning I tried everything on. OMG it was dreadful. The lot of it. The Tshirts (perhaps I am no longer a small?!) made my bazoombas stick out all the way to Idaho and cut my upper arm off in such a weird manner that my limbs looked like tree trunks... soft tree trunks! Ugh... The skirts were Okay... just Okay... the beautiful floral JCrew-like shirt was hideous. HID. EE. Ous. Ugh. What looked like JCrew on her looked like Wal*Mart sale rack on me. And pockets on boobs don't work. At all. And the shoulders looked like a throwback to the 80s with room for some serious shoulder pads. How could something look so gorgeous on one person and so God-forsaken hideous on someone else?
Back at Old Navy I made my returns and picked up some cute white slip on tennies for the boys. Plain white but for one thin green stripe on the bottom, side. Nice and classic looking. Priced perfectly!
Next door at the Gap I returned a drop-waisted black skirt I had been eyeing for over a month. made my hips stick out to Texas. No, let me rephrase that, made my hips look larger than Texas. I should have kept that shirt to wear with shoulder pads after all. And I returned my Long and Lean jeans. I am pretty sure that someone was playing a prank on me. I am still waiting for Howie Mandell to jump out of my closet to tell me that he did it. He must have sewed the Long and Lean jean tag in a pair of Short and Squat. OMG I looked like a squash. Not a zucchini. Not a summer squash. Something rounder. Butternut? Pumkin? Which brings me to the fact that I had no right to be trying on jeans on a day like today in the first place.
And who the hell sizes these things? I tried on about 10 pairs of jeans in the store. No two were the same. Some 6s were so huge I could walk right out of them. Others I could not pull over my derriere. Not even a little. And then there was a perfect pair of jeans. They fit. They looked good. They made me look good. My hips were not as large as Texas. My derriere did not look as though it belonged in another zip code. It looked cute! I'll take em! And as I got the jeans off I happened to see the size. They were a size 4. I have locked all my closets. In case Howie Mandell is hiding in one. In case he has the size 6 tag in his hand. I'll never have to know.
But really. Don't you ever do something so stupid as go jean shopping when you are bloated!