How to How to Stylishly & Effectively Prepare for Surgery... Warning: Very, Very FUNNY
Stella McCartney, designer of fashionable hospital gown
My cousin is a doctor in Boston who has been invaluable in sharing everything she knows with me regarding how I can be accurately prepare myself for surgery and healing. She's been my sounding board, graciously answering my every question and she has my sense of humor (and fashion, and good looks). But I think she is even funnier!
She sent me the following as an email after reading my post about firing Dr. Google.
Whether you are contemplating life-saving surgery, breast augmentation, rhinoplasty, or simple shoulder surgery like me, this is a must read. And if you are not having any kind of surgery this is a must read. But empty your bladder first. She is uproariously funny!
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1) Cheeseburger and fries delay surgery by 8 hours. That is considered a full stomach and if you vomit this as you are being induced/going under, you risk aspirating the food (food to the lungs, badness, pneumonia, not fun). So nothing to eat or drink after midnight to be safe and sure.
What time is your surgery? You are allowed clears 2 hours before. If you have a late in the day case you may need some water or apple juice, or black coffee (Nooooo cream). If your case is in the am sometime just keep your belly empty. If it's later, clears are Ok. No pulpy OJ. No chewing gum or mints. Please please brush the teeth though, please and thank you!
2) Hair. Thank goodness you do not have a weave or extensions. These and cornrows get in the way. The best style is a low pony, nape of neck. It's out of the way and cute. They have so much fluid and stuff pumped into your shoulder, best to keep away from hair.
3) Please bathe! Soap is always welcome. I am appalled at American hygiene, I would wash my hair the morning of or night before. It depends on what time your surgery is. You may have a hard time washing your hair post op so get it washed the day of or before.
4) You shouldn't wear makeup. That being said you are not a foundation gal. A little blush and lip gloss are fine. Mascara makes a total mess.
We tape your eyes shut as you sleep to keep anything from scratching your cornea. You can't blink under anesthesia. Mascara plus tape = raccoon eyes, not cute. Many Latino gals have their eye makeup tattooed on. This is always a fun discovery once they are asleep. White eyeliner and then maybe a black line above, lip liner, it's all so.....
For you, if needed, and you hear your mamas voice in the back of your head, blush and lip gloss.
5) Clothing is key. Comfy comfy and easy. Elastic pants are key, yoga pants, leggings, anything but buttons or snaps. Black is safe, cute, stylish. Did I mention clean undies? Oh yes, we look and see and see more than we want at times. Maybe save the thong for date night.
Comfort, clean, cotton, cute. Please don't wear your Monday undies if it's Tuesday, makes us wonder.
Your bra will be removed. No such luck. Can you go braless post op? If you are like Ashley this is just not an option. Please do not even attempt this. Bras will be confusing and weird. Perhaps a racerback will be easy. Front snap, not right on the shoulder. A call to your doc may be ok, ask his nurse about this one. If you have the less Jewish jeans, go commando up top.
I would have button down shirts and cardigan type clothing available.
Over the head with the bandage and sling will not work. The bandage is sometimes very bulky, almost Balmain like, 'cept you will of course be asymmetrical.
I fancy clogs because they are comfy and not terrible looking. Ballet flats are good. Leave the Tretorns at home. Crocs optional, if you have them I will not tell! Just avoid laces or HM shoes.
It's always freezing in the hospitals. I love my zip up hoodies or a scarf. Have D put a blanket in the car for the ride home. You may still feel a chill.
What am I forgetting?
Sent from my iPhone, AGP.
Then, a couple of hours later I received the following email:
I almost forgot, please leave the doorknocker earrings at home. I think even studs are not welcome.
Do not wear jewelry on the operative side. If you want to wear a wedding band on the nonoperative side that is usually ok.
Please remove naval rings, Monroe piercings, tongue rings, and oh yes, the good old fashion clit ring. This is annoying to remove and we usually just cut them off once the patient is asleep. When they wake up they are usually quite upset at their missing jewel.
Of course I sent her an email back as soon as I could catch my breath from laughing so hard. The last sentence especially.
Alex, why would they care if I'm wearing my clit-ring or not?
And her final reply:
Well we need metal removed because we use sometimes a bovie machine to cauterize blood vessels. Metal can not be present for the bovie as risk of electrical burn is possible. They likely will not use a bovie with you. Anyway, we position you and often the jonny becomes loose or is just removed for ease of postioning. Your surgeon may have you in a lateral position for the surgery and if the jonny is moved up in positioning we do get flashed every now and again.
So, if any of you ladies are contemplating surgery of any kind... be sure to remove all your jewels... the seen and the unseen!!!